Just Another Day

Greetings from a rainy city. Hope all is well with you. So today I shall keep it brief, not much to tell just a simple update. I am loving the job I do on Th and Fri. I get to be extremely creative have a tremendous amount of input. I'm considering asking if I can come in an additional day a week cuz there is just SO much I would like to do, but so little time :). Idk, and lately I have been really missing my friends. Never thought I would say this, but I'm almost looking forward to going back to Provo. haha. But I digress. So right now, I am looking forward to a few things I suppose. First, next Tuesday is my birthday...a very special birthday, the long awaited 21. I'm excited I suppose, maybe not all that much seeing as on that day I will be working and basically spending it by myself, but life goes on. Next, I got my passport which I will be using to travel to Canada for Caribana which, for those of you who don't know, is a HUGE Caribbean festival resembling Carnival up in Toronto. Also, if you didn't know, yes, you now are required to have a passport even to go to Mexico or Canada, just an fyi. After that lovely trip, I am looking forward to my parents coming into town on August 15th for my Aunt's birthday party. I'm excited because the plan is that I will travel home with them and then fly from Chicago back to UT. This is exciting because that will shave a good $100-$150 off of my travel expense, booyah! Yeah for parents. After that, well idk I guess we will see what Utah has in store for me this year. It's always an adventure at the Y in the midst of P-Town in the grand old UT. haha if that didn't make sense then your probably not from UT nor are you Mormon. haha. Well beyond that, it's 2:30 in the afternoon and my shoes, socks and pants are still damp from standing in the rain this morning waiting for a bus that was 40 mins late, so Imma let you go while I go air out my stuff. Love you all, have a blast, and live life to the fullest because nothing is guaranteed.

Ashley E Tracey

The Most Important Lesson of All

So today, I think I had one of the greatest epiphanies I could ever have, and I feel the need to share it with you. I went to church today, at a ward out here in Jersey. The family I'm staying with isn't of my faith, but my aunt let me use her car to drive to church, a blessing I truly appreciate. Being there alone was hard for me, it's not something I'm use to, but I went because I know that I needed to. Anyway, so during RS the teacher gave a lesson about Jesus...while well intentioned, she stated that she wanted to cover the ENTIRE life of Christ during the lesson, and wanted us to provide ample comments. What?! I mean no disrespect but both of those expectations are lofty at best and fight each other. It's either we are going to cover the entire life of Christ during the hour OR we will comment on what we choose. Not both, never both. So, as the lesson commenced, she became uneasy as she saw time tick away, with barely the prophesies and birth of Christ covered, and a room full of women staring blankly at her as she had us flip endlessly from one scripture to another. Don't get me wrong, she was well intentioned, but...alas to little avail. So about half way through the lesson, sometime after I abandoned following the scriptures, a older lady in the class made a comment that changed everything. Timidly raising her hand, she spoke, " I always find it hard to discuss the examples of Christ because I feel that I always fall short. I have a really hard time forgiving people. I try, and just when I think I've got it, something comes up to show me that I really haven't forgiven them. I just don't know what to do." Admittedly, I dislike hearing people constantly bring up how they fall short of Christ's example, of course you do, it's Christ. That fact is for introspection, not to beat yourself down with. The combination of that, the tone of the lesson, and mostly my recent unhappiness with some of my actions and feelings, prompted me to speak. So in the midst of a group of women I knew nothing about, I raised my hand, and let the Spirit speak through me. I said, " I draw, and when drawing a picture you quickly realize that there are two ways of approaching it. You can start by drawing each and every detail, but the problem is that when you finish, the picture isn't going to look the way you want it to. The perspective will be off, the lines won't match up right, and even though all of the details are perfect, the overall picture, will still be flawed. So then you learn that what you need to do is first, rough sketch the entire thing, and watch the details fall into place. That's the same thing with using Christ's example. First we have to sketch out the big picture which is developing the pure love of Christ in our lives and then we'll find that doing things like forgiving others will just come naturally." Now for some of you, this is a duh moment, or so you think. The reason this was such an epiphany is because I, like most of you have probably gotten bogged down in everything I'm doing wrong. But that's not the point, yes, should we fix those things? Absolutely, but why make it more difficult than it needs to be. Rough sketch your picture! And you know what else, use an eraser! If the edges of your beautiful self-portrait start to dull, or veer off, erase it and pen a new loving stroke. When I say I love you all, I mean it. I try very hard to develop the pure love of Christ for everyone, and I definitely feel I have made some good strides towards doing so. Also, don't get distracted. Loving everyone doesn't mean liking everyone or everything they do. Remember when Christ over turned the money changers' tables in the tabernacle? He was very angry with them, but you know what? He died for them too, just the same as you and me. Remember when he rebuked his own disciples because they fell asleep while he atoned for our sins? Yup, still loved them even though at the time he was disappointed. It's okay to be upset or unhappy with someone but still love them. Finally, give yourself a break! It's okay that you don't have it all figured out. Your picture is still being drawn, and guess what, it won't be until that final moment that the whole thing will come together. Your going to make mistakes, your going to lose face, drop the ball, forget why you try, and want to give up, but guess what, Christ's atoning or our sins is that handy dandy eraser that allows you to fix every single erring stoke. I love you, I love myself, and I love the Savior, and those three truths are why I have written this for you all to see. My epiphany is to help us all, I know that of a certainty, and I hope you take away from this at least a portion of what I have.

No luce per me oggi

Hello world, nothing truly new to report, just felt the need to get on and keep you all in the know. Today is a little grayer than usual, in a number of ways, but I know that blessings are in store. I mean, I completely understand the concept of trials and their purposes, but where things get gray is blessings. Particularly when a blessing is disguised as a trial. Even when you know something is for your benefit, it doesn't stop it from hurting if that wasn't what you wanted. This whole not knowing everything deal that we signed up for is one hard gig. What's even harder is when you feel like you are completely alone, not because you are, but because your pain isolates you from the rest of the world. The other night I had an interesting thought that I would like to share. I was thinking about Pain. How pain is talked about almost as if it were a tangible entity. Something you can grab and slap around a bit. Ha, I wish. But the truth is that pain takes many forms. It can hurt you, it can help you, it can warn you, it can make you do things you normally wouldn't. It can let you know you're doing something right, or jar you into realizing you've done something horribly wrong. It can encourage you to help someone, or convince you to hurt someone. Pain is a very complex thing, particularly when it comes in the form of another person. It can come as a person who helps you, a person who hurts you, a person who warns you, or a person who encourages you to do things that you normally wouldn't. That person can let you know you've done something right, or jar you into realizing you've done something horribly wrong. Get where I'm going? The problem comes in differentiating between that person and the pain that you feel. They....are NOT the pain. The pain is within yourself, and no matter how much you ignore, fight against, or embrace that individual, the pain won't be altered. It's not until you realize that, that healing can begin. Let's flip the argument on it's head once again. So you determine that this is the problem, that you are associating a person with a feeling that they can't control, how do you begin to make that change? Well sorry, but I don't have that answer, and until God gives it to me, I can't give it to you. All I have is my conviction that it is possible. But until that does transpire, I'm going to ask for patience. Some days are going to be great, some days will be pain free, and some days will cripple my joints and leave me unable to emotionally move. The deeper inward you search the more variance is to be found between these extremes and you can't put a time limit on eureka. So today, is a tad crippling. I've never abused any addictive substance unless you consider music to be such a vice, but right now I feel like I've quit smoking cold turkey. And even though I know cigarettes are bad for my health, drain my money, turn my teeth yellow, put wrinkles on my face, frog my throat, and blacken my lungs, I still yearn for nicotin (hypothetically speaking of course). And no matter how often you yell the consequences at me and tell me how better off I am without it, the addiction still tells me I need it. It still reminds me how in my darkest moments, it was the only thing I had, when the world was too busy to care. So pardon me if I shake a bit, and act irrationally, I'm fighting a battle only I can fight. Thank you.

New York and General Life Updates

Hello All!

Today you have found me in rare form, but high spirits. I would tell you why, and perhaps I shall later, but right now I feel it mayhaps wouldn't be nice to say. So, to update you on my life should we go from most recent developments backwards, or where I left off forward? I chose the latter since no one voted. haha Ok, last time I wrote to you all, it was my first day at Rafaella. Well, so far the internship is going well except that the other intern Taylor had to quit because the internship is unpaid and her parents were on her back about not making money. Sad :( but the recession does crazy things. I shall miss her but I will take my father's advice and attempt to find other people my age to hang out with. Maybe at the ward I am attending. Oh yeah, my ward. So I decided it was of the utmost importance not to go inactive this summer haha, so I used the handy dandy ward looker upper gadget on lds.org and found the local ward. It's only 8 minutes away from my aunts house, which is closer than my home ward is to my house so chyeah! :) Anyway so the people seem nice, the ward isn't all that big but check it, there are 5 other black people in the ward! I don't think you heard me, 5!! And non of them are related. For my non-LDS readers, that is like unheard of. In my home ward there at one time were 5 black people...but I was related to 2 of them aka my parents so it wasn't all that cool. I was super excited! Plus, one of the black ladies is this old Jamaican woman who reminds me of my grandmother. I love her already. She is so dope. Plus there is this dude who looks like he could be a pro football player but has the face of Kobe Bryant. Yeah I know, but sorry ladies he's engaged. But I like his fiancee. She is from Draper, UT and went to BYU so we got to talking and hopefully we will be friends. She won't move out here until mid-July though. Let's see, what's next, oh I got a job. Just working Th and Fri but check this out. It's for a hip hop clothing line called Dawsen. And what I am doing is internet marketing via social networking. So basically he's going to pay me for being proficient in Facebook, Myspace, Blogger, and YouTube. And you parents out there chastise your kids for being on the computer to much. Well in this instance, it pays off haha get it $$$$ ka-ching ka-ching. Ha sorry I'm getting silly. Moving on, so yesterday was my first day at this job and so far so good. Now to the not so nice, but ends well news. Harden and I broke up. I know *tear* but really it was time. We are DEFINITELY on different paths in life, which is become more and more evident now. But it's alright, because I LOVE the path that I am on, and that's what matters. I'll still pray for him. Regardless, no worries, we've talked, no awkwardness, so don't feel like you have to choose sides if you are mutual friends with us. We were together for a whole year and still love each other, we're just no longer in love with each other. It's hard, but we both knew it was coming. Distance and constant hardships have a way of doing that to a relationship. I do hope he finds what he is looking for though.....Again that's all I'm going to say about that at this juncture unless a new development occurs. Well let's see what else. About me, I am doing pretty well, but it gets kind of lonely at times. I mean NYC has SO much to go do, but mostly only if you have money or are over 21 and unfortunately, I am lacking in both of those categories. But hopefully, not for long, cuz now I have a job and......I TURN 21 NEXT MONTH!!!!! Oh yeah, whose excited? Ummmm I'M EXCITED! HAHA I'm wierd  I know, but I told you at the beginning, you have found me in rare form today so don't blame me, you knew what you were getting into when you started reading this post in the first place. :) I would also like to thank everyone for their amazing expressions of faith on my facebook. If you have an account I would encourage you all to read the note I wrote, but more importantly, the responses to it, because I feel the words that were said were divinely inspired and applicable to everyone's life, regardless of what you are going through, even if you aren't going through any hardship right now, it's a wonderful reminder of what we should strive for. Thank you to Zach, Annie, Aunt Andrea and Dad, you all are amazing people and I love you dearly. I encourage you all to live life to the fullest and not to censor yourself or hold back because when the time for action has come the time for decision has past. I learned that the hard way, but it is a lesson I hold close to my heart. You all are amazing and I would love to hear from you all. As a P.S. I have learned that the reason people in the city stare at me is because I dress like I'm from California. haha, no seriously, they don't rock the knit caps nearly as much, or the Israeli-looking scarves, they aren't all about the bright colors, and not that preferential to ballet flats, but it's okay cuz they know I look good, and so do I. Plus, EVERYONE out here has a Blackberry, they don't really like iPhones as much. I was told that iPhones and sidekicks are a more west coast thing, than anything else. I guess Utah has changed me. :) But anyway, ciao lovelies. mwah, mwah!

My First Day Interning in New York City

So today was my first day as an intern at Rafaella Design Group. Yay! So basically I got up at 7:30am and caught the 9:30am bus from where I'm staying in New Jersey to Manhattan. My aunt took me since it was my 1st day. :) It was like the 1st day of kindergarten all over again. haha. But seriously, once we got to Manhattan we walked like a block from the station to Fashion Ave, yeah you know the one like they always show on Project Runway, yup right in the heart of the fashion district. It's right across from Parson's New School of Design. So cool. Oh or a better description is that it's only a few blocks from Time Square. So here is where it gets fun. We enter the building and go to the 2nd floor where Rafaella is located and I swear it was like the entrance to Mode from Ugly Betty mixed with Devil Wears Prada (sorry for all the TV and movie references but I figured that would be the easiest way to describe it). I was all giddy inside but I'm like, "Ashley, hold your composure", haha yeah right. So then I go and meet Richard who is the Executive VP of Design for the whole company. I'm his intern, way cool. Then he showed me to my office...yes...office. So crazy! I guess it was just the only extra space they could find but hey a girl can't complain. :) After I spruced it up, they put me to work organizing clothes and folding samples, total LC moment. Time for ASHLEY'S LESSON OF THE DAY: knit fabrics are smoother than woven fabrics and touching it is about the only way to know that, georgette can be silky or matte and you can see that, but they are considered to be in the same category so it doesn't matter, and thin wovens are not to be classified as sweaters, who knew? ANYWAY, when folding samples I got to handle some amazing designer clothing, I'm talking Diane VonFruestenburg, Philip Lim, Free People. I know that means virtually nothing to most of you, but it meant something to me so there. haha. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I met the other intern also. Her name is Taylor, she's from Long Island and seems pretty cool, idk time will tell. So the day ended pretty uneventfully but after all it's just the first day. So pray for me and wish me luck, cuz here we go.

Much Love,

Ashley

Just to Clear the Air

Now for those of you who know me well, you know I'm not one for drama, or one to complain, but sometimes somethings just have to be said. So this past weekend my evil roommate moved out. HALLEJAH! I know, I know, "evil" is a pretty strong word, but let me characterize the horror she has put everyone in our apartment through. First off all, I had to call the police on her because she threatened to vandalize and dispose of my belongings while I wasn't home, then she said she threw out my roommate's lamp when in truth she gave it away to a friend of her's (I got it back, so jokes on her), forced another roommate of mine to go to therapy because of the hell she put her through, and told her fiancee's sister that she is not allowed to come to their house because she didn't help them move (although she was in class). Oh, and off-course this is after she tried to get me evicted for supposedly making my boyfriend a copy of my house key, when of course she is actually the one who had made a copy of her key for her fiancee. I can't say that I am not upset at management for not removing her, when she attempted to harm EVERYONE in our apartment. It's okay though, because, ding dong the witch is gone! And with that, I shan't speak of her again. :)

My second gripe, the Swine Flu (H1N1). Okay I think everyone just needs to calm down. Only 1 person has died from it and oh that's right, it was a baby! Hundreds of old people and babies die of the regular flu every year and no one freaks out. Second, the Swine flu isn't a new thing, there have been outbreaks before and we all survived those so, take two deep breaths and have a drink, cuz I think we'll live. To be honest, I really didn't appreciate the news articles entitled "Worst Case Scenario: Swine Flu 2009". I mean really? Do we need to go there? I feel such articles create undue panic. All that I can hope it that with time and education, the whole thing will simmer and we'll be a-ok.

On a happier note, I love you all mucho mucho my loves and I wish you the most amazing week ever. *mwah*

The beginning of my blogging life

Well, I feel I have held out quite long enough...

it is time to admit that my life just isn't complete without the publishing of my personal thought and feelings via internet. For this blog, I feel the need to discuss this past weekend, it has been most interesting indeed.

This weekend I had the opportunity to go to California for an internship interview in LA. For starters...loved it! I hope I get the it! The place looks way cool. For those of you who don't know, I applied for an internship at a fashion PR agency. Basically what they do is they market and publicize for up and coming designers (mostly accessories designers) and get their products in the hands of the beloved ones...celebrities :) it's pretty cool.

The lady I interviewed with said they would be looking for some one around June 1, which poses a problem, cuz if I don't get it, I am headed to NYC for a different (unpaid) internship mostlikely, but I'm sure the Lord will guide me.

Anyway, I had a blasty blast because I stayed with my lovely ex-roommate Sammy, who I love :). In one day we drove down to Crenshaw (way sketch) and got yelled at by a hobo and then up to Beverly Hills where we talked to the papparazzi, yeah, way crazy, but me gusta. It was awesome.

But now, unfortunately, I am back in Provo where I await my fate. The hardest part is that my love, my wonderful Harden, left shortly after I returned last night for his job in Texas. I won't see him again until May 21st. It will be hard, but the last time we were apart of a long period of time, we learned a great deal about ourselves as a couple, and I dare say, if it weren't for that separation, we probably wouldn't be together now. That was when he decide that he truly loved me, and upon hearing that, I decided I would be with him. I love him truly. Anyway, I know that the Lord has his hand in our lives, because if it weren't for this job and the fact that it is out of state, he would not have been able to get his car. I am remarkably proud of him and the amazing person he is turning into. Words can't describe how deeply and passionately I care for him. *sigh*. I digress, so much happened this weekend that I could ramble on forever, but instead, if anyone has any questions, I would love to elaborate. So until next time. I love you all, and be greatful for everything you have, even when it appears to be a trial.

Love,

AT