No luce per me oggi

Hello world, nothing truly new to report, just felt the need to get on and keep you all in the know. Today is a little grayer than usual, in a number of ways, but I know that blessings are in store. I mean, I completely understand the concept of trials and their purposes, but where things get gray is blessings. Particularly when a blessing is disguised as a trial. Even when you know something is for your benefit, it doesn't stop it from hurting if that wasn't what you wanted. This whole not knowing everything deal that we signed up for is one hard gig. What's even harder is when you feel like you are completely alone, not because you are, but because your pain isolates you from the rest of the world. The other night I had an interesting thought that I would like to share. I was thinking about Pain. How pain is talked about almost as if it were a tangible entity. Something you can grab and slap around a bit. Ha, I wish. But the truth is that pain takes many forms. It can hurt you, it can help you, it can warn you, it can make you do things you normally wouldn't. It can let you know you're doing something right, or jar you into realizing you've done something horribly wrong. It can encourage you to help someone, or convince you to hurt someone. Pain is a very complex thing, particularly when it comes in the form of another person. It can come as a person who helps you, a person who hurts you, a person who warns you, or a person who encourages you to do things that you normally wouldn't. That person can let you know you've done something right, or jar you into realizing you've done something horribly wrong. Get where I'm going? The problem comes in differentiating between that person and the pain that you feel. They....are NOT the pain. The pain is within yourself, and no matter how much you ignore, fight against, or embrace that individual, the pain won't be altered. It's not until you realize that, that healing can begin. Let's flip the argument on it's head once again. So you determine that this is the problem, that you are associating a person with a feeling that they can't control, how do you begin to make that change? Well sorry, but I don't have that answer, and until God gives it to me, I can't give it to you. All I have is my conviction that it is possible. But until that does transpire, I'm going to ask for patience. Some days are going to be great, some days will be pain free, and some days will cripple my joints and leave me unable to emotionally move. The deeper inward you search the more variance is to be found between these extremes and you can't put a time limit on eureka. So today, is a tad crippling. I've never abused any addictive substance unless you consider music to be such a vice, but right now I feel like I've quit smoking cold turkey. And even though I know cigarettes are bad for my health, drain my money, turn my teeth yellow, put wrinkles on my face, frog my throat, and blacken my lungs, I still yearn for nicotin (hypothetically speaking of course). And no matter how often you yell the consequences at me and tell me how better off I am without it, the addiction still tells me I need it. It still reminds me how in my darkest moments, it was the only thing I had, when the world was too busy to care. So pardon me if I shake a bit, and act irrationally, I'm fighting a battle only I can fight. Thank you.